I kind of hate the day I told you that I loved you too. I’d be lying if I said it weren’t the truest thing I have ever said to you. Something is missing since that day. Throwing the word from my lips to let you know I felt the same feels like a failure. A mistake. Like when the words tumbled from my mouth the feelings tumbled away from you. Actions speak louder than words. They used to tell me secrets of the thoughts you had for me, the love that you saved only for me. Now they tell me your mind no longer saves a spot for me and at this rate I might be getting and eviction notice inside your heart soon. You would rather be away from me, or inside of me, than to be with me. Talking, laughing, feeling like we used to. And there’s no way out for me. Your son will be here in a matter of weeks and we never wanted separate lives from our children. I don’t want out. I want back in. I want my best friend back. I will do whatever it takes. Tell me what I can do to help. Please come back soon…
We were best friends.
I dreamed of being with him
In secret of course.
I knew everything about him.
He disappeared.
For a long time
I moved on with others.
Trying to get rid of his memory.
It never worked.
And he came back on time.
He saved my life.
I was in a dangerous, dark
and abused place.
He made sure I was taken care of and helped me escape.
When he could do nothing more for me he stood next to me.
I had numerous dreams about how one day we would be together, have a family, and live happy together.
Valentines day. Two weeks out of the hospital for me and every chance I got I would hop in his car and drive away with him for the night. He was my favorite drug and he always made me feel better. Still does. He stood next to me while I finished school,watched me receive my diploma. I was so happy to have someone who cared so much for me I thought life couldn’t get any better. June 17th my life took a crazy spin. Although we had planned all kinds of traveling with each other and we’re on the same page on the issue, I had become pregnant with his child. I had no idea what was going to happen. I have known him for almost seven years now and I am pregnant with his child.
His name will be Dean and he will be born around our one year anniversary.
It is insanely important that you understand that even thought this seems like a happily ever after, it is no story that you tell your youngsters at bed time.
Neither the one you take as your ticket to have my story and make it your life. I was extremely lucky to have someone like him in my life to understand and love me through our situation.
There are things people don’t tell you about pregnancy, life, and love. I think that is downright bs so listen.
No one tells you how painful pregnancy can really be. Emotionally and physically. And don’t ever say oh I can handle that. I never thought I would break down crying over heartburn. But I did. Yesterday. I never thought my child would stop me from getting sleep. I never thought that breastfeeding is really a painful thing that I am actually kind of afraid of. Or that antepartum depression would ever be something that I would have to worry about. I never thought that there would be days that I wouldn’t feel love from him. I never thought I would doubt him. I never thought I would have to take care of him. (*Once again pay attention. When women don’t have a man to take care of they always seem to have opinions about how your man should be treated. I have never nor will I ever have a problem taking care, feeding, and or cleaning for my man. As an eighteen year old very independent young lady I assumed men would be even more independent than myself because I was told to strive to be a man in the sense that a man could always be more independent than woman. If you have ever had to nurse a sick man back to health or deal with a serious illness that they might have you will not judge me in adding that to the list of things that don’t make my life a fairy tale and for learning purposes.*)
No one told me how cruel people who don’t know me can be. No one told me I would have to hassle my way through the system to feed me and my unborn son. No one told me I would spend most of my nights alone. No one told me that my anxieties would come true.
No one tells you struggles that real women are going through but expect you to act like a real women when you have no idea what’s left compared to right. The most relief giving advice I have ever heard is that of J.Pickett-Smith. In an interview with her daughter she describes what it is like to be a mom and a wife. She goes into detail about how women today are falsely led to believe things about woman/motherhood that aren’t true and that I am not alone in the struggle to figure out what the he’ll is the right thing to do. It’s sad that the only thing that has comforted me is someone telling me that no one knows the right thing becausee everyone is led to believe the wrong thing.
Once again, when I say that we are in love, I am not saying that we are perfect. When I say I am about to have a family of my own, I am not saying that is what happiness is. When I say that I am afraid, I am saying that being on your own is even more terrifying when the advice you were given from childhood to adulthood does not make sense. Especially when you will now be responsible for a human being who doesn’t know not to kick you between the hours of niNE at night and eight in the morning. Responsible to teach them everything. Responsible for their safety and well being. It’s scary and no one can do it for you.
